All In The Shades: Written Arts Gallery

Well Tumblr peeps. Got good news and bad news. Me and the chick are back to talking full time. The bad news is it took one of her dogs to get hit by a car to ignite a flat out convo. 

Now if you known me for all of 5 minutes. You’d know I care more about animals, namely dogs more than 90% of people. A baby starts balling I’ll respond with “Anybody got that?” A puppy or dog barks the wrong way…… I’m there cuddling it. 

So when I heard Diesel, just an 8 year old pug got hit by a car died. I was there for my chick hook, line, and sinker. Now if this was fate. Whatever, it was a fucking stupid way to go about it. If it was a message from God. Could you not smoke the Deux Montagne mail  man  with an ice cream truck? Or you know, smoke her boss with a randomly appearing Panzer tank? 

It wouldn’t be good for those people but it would be a funny story. I happened to love Diesel. He was a great dog. And a cutie. I’m met her boss. Fucker makes me look approachable. And judging by the looks of his suit. He most likely gets a teen burger and onion rings. 

Anybody remember Touched By An Angel? Imagine if that show crossed All Dogs Go To Heaven and Blade. Only instead of vampires I take out douchebags. And I was the angel of death. Want to know what would suck? For every dog I was supposed to kill. I’d dress up a douchebag in a dog suit and proceed to shove ‘em in front of a car. Humans aren’t a bad species, douchebags are. And like the show I’d give them an 54 minutes to change then shove ‘em. Unless it came to old age. No dog would die. I would make sure dogs Like Diesel lived.

Anyone other than me find it ironic that the guy that played the angel of death was named John Dye? Just sayin’. 

I love you. RIP Diesel. 

So for this time……. Diesel and Shades out.

Lemme ask you a question Tumblr Universe. What do you do when you’re mad at work, at life, or just po’ed in general? Perhaps day dream of kicking your boss in the nuts? Wallow in self pitty? Put on women’s clothing and sing show tunes into your tooth brush? Or is that just my Friday night. But I digress. Want to know what I do when life gives me a batch of shit covered lemons? I look at people’s minor short comings and construct comedy out of it. Why? Because I’m a flat out pure bred asshole. Here are just some of the thoughts I’ve had in the past few days:

I was channel surfing yesterday and came across Maury (You know this isn’t gonna turn out well) And there was a traditional “Ghetto-Looking”, white, young woman who was on there claiming she would just randomly have sex with desperate dudes for money and claimed it to be a healthy, open relationship with nobody. And Maury was just sitting there trying to talk “Street” with her. Umm Maury, you sat with Einstein in the 6th and got the street creds of the pope. STFU. And chick who’s easier to get into than a community college in Arkansas? You’re either single or in a relationship with 90% of the Craigslist demographic hun.

And sorry to pull a Jerry Seinfeld (Even though there’s nothing wrong with it. He’s not a bad comedian). But what is the deal with unibrows? Do people just have mirrors for midgets that can only reach up to people’s eyelids when on their knees? Is it a new fashion statement? Am I going to go to a club and get stopped by a bouncer because the club has a “1 brow max limit”? Seriously WTF. A guy stopped by the store and had the thickest monobrow I’d seriously ever seen on a dude. I wanted to go up to him and challenge him to a “Who’s got more eyebrows contest” Just sayin’.

I was asked if I wanted to clean the ceilings a couple days ago and respectfully declined said request. Not because I didn’t want to do it, not because I felt lazy, not even because I’m an asshole. But for 1 reason and 1 reason only. Traditionally women have a time of the month. Our superiors and quoted owners of the store tend to have a time of the day. Between 12:33 and 1:42. If they’re going to go ape shit. That’s when. I learned this through observation and study. I don’t know if this is a normal man thing or whether they just have timed anger issues on their manstrual cycle. Odds are if I cleaned said ceiling there would be a condiment of some kind on the ceiling out of a fit. You know what they need? They need to go home, talk about it, maybe watch the Twilight movies. Maybe even change their manpons. I would invent them for them just to keep peace in the store. I would call them Brotex pad. And since men think solely about tits and alcohol. I would make the slogan “Brotex fits….. beeriod.”

I hate Teen Burgers. I also hate to make random onion rings. I also hate douche bags. I hate douche bags even more if they harm my friends in any way shape or form. Especially my handler at work. R&B is one of the coolest people I ever worked with and she keeps me in line by joining me on my level. So when I heard a douche bag hurt her at school.  Here were my thoughts since I couldn’t beat 13 shades of shit out of him……..

BREAKING NEWS:A sketchy, douchy, Polo ripoff wearing, fuck-face ordering a Teen Burger and onion rings? Call the fucking press. In other news. Neopolitan ice cream comes with 3 flavours.

But seriously if you make fun of a person because of their likings, beliefs, or way to live their life and order moronic food choices. You need to be smacked upside the head with a larger metal object than I own…… currently ;)

Shades out.

I know what you’re all thinking reading my title. No, Disney hasn’t gone completely off it politically incorrect rocker and made Winnie the Pooh move to the Florida Keys. This is unfortunately another work related rant.

My nickname at work from one of my best coworkers and friends is Big, Gay Bear. I got a feminine yet mildly flamboyant side. But I can still be big, tough, and smack the crap out of you. I’m ok with said nickname. I’ve always had a good spot in my heart for same sex lifestyles and the overall ability to do one’s one thing. Just being able to live their life. In fact I find the more quote/unquote “Out of the norm.”  we all are. The cooler the world is.

Now, on to the penguin part of the title. The new supervisor at work is as multiple personality motivated as possible. She’ll listen to you bitch, then go tell the bosses. She’ll be nice, then psycho. But the worse part is she thinks I’m one of her besties even though I told her exactly how I feel about the situations she puts people in. She tries and get me more hours which is good but even though I don’t change my style of work. She blows smoke and makes me sound like God with a spatula. I just wish she would be honest. Am I a hell of a worker? Yeah. Am I as immortal as she says. Nooooo. 

Now unfortunately I’ve been in a very vulnerable place lately and all she wants to do is poke jokes about it and shit. I really don’t need that atm. Not to mention when you ask someone to come in on their day off and save your ass. You don’t treat them like shit. The real problem with her is one flaw to her day and she folds faster than Superman on laundry day and starts bitching. I went into working with her with an open mind. Perhaps expecting her to mature up and work as a semi professional. But I expected too much. She also looks like a blonde version of The Penguin from Batman Returns. Only I’d willingly have a few drinks with Danny Devito.

I just wish I could tell her to smarten up but she’s just closed to the concept of being in between a suit and tie manager and a beer buddy. A problem that neither Fal or R&B will ever have. The sad part is she is an ok person and an ok friend when she wants to be. But so annoying and dumb sometimes. Just having such dumb blonde moments that make Jessica Simpson look like she could be on the cover of Maclean’s magazine.

Speaking of celebrities that don’t match magazines. It is said all over the internet that Kristen Stewart is going to be on the cover of Elle magazine. Hmm, a chick known for leaving her all her problems to be solved by a vampire who sparkles more that a Vegas show girl’s attire is going to be on a magazine slightly empowering to women? Wow. In other news. Kanye West has graced the cover of I-don’t-like-to-hog-the-spotlight Quarterly.

Sorry for the bitching.

Shades out.

Recently, a rep from the popular to this day band The Beach Boys went on public record to state that Current US president Barack Obama is a said ” Socialist A**hole and if re-elected. He won’t have to try anymore to keep the vote.”

Well, I gotta say Beach Boys I dig some of your music and respect you for being around and still jamming through these years but…. I only half agree with you. He wouldn’t have to try if re-elected. Mind you George Dubbya didn’t really try that hard on his second term. He knew he had the US nation by the nuts and he just had fun and rolled with it. He was still effective if how he kept his goals in first term.

Mind you on the other hand I’ve seen bigger a**holes in life. Every time I look in a mirror. ;) . My problem is  the US went from a president that said on live TV that they would get said terrorists while playing golf. To a guy who’s whole slogan was just “change”. Now there’s 2 types of changes of course both good and bad. I, for instance have changed a diaper. Good for the baby and bad for a guy who just had lunch. I changed toothpastes back in 2004. Good for Crest because they gained $2.50 and bad for Colgate because they lost $2.50.

Now I’ve been to Florida twice in my life. Once before 9/11 and once after. Not to mention the time after was less than a year after the unfortunate happenings. Both in which were later at night. I was out cold and mom only had to say she was a landed immigrant and we were going to see family.

Now I’m sure someone as a** ugly as me would need a passport, 64 forms of photo ID, be clothed in an American flag, and require a rectal cavity search. That’s only 1 of few real mistakes Barack made. Lack of trust in neighbors to the north. The other thing is spending like a chick at the mall with her mom’s credit card. I personally don’t get why they shut down Guantanamo Bay. I know it’s because of the cruelty but don’t hate  the player. Hate the game. You didn’t have to build a new building. You had to train the people governing such terrorists not to treat Guat Mo like a giant cage match. I’m not saying bring them cookies and milk on fridays but you know. Treat them like prisoners instead of punching bags.

In fact as president that’s one thing I’d do. Every friday I’d go out to Guat Mo and eat a row of cookies and have a foodgasm in the middle of all the celled inmates. Imagine that every friday on CNN. “President Shades went out to Guantanamo Bay as he does every friday. Had some rainbow Chips Ahoy cookies. And proceeded to ponce in his pants.”

See? I may be an asshole but I’m a problem solver. Barack Obama isn’t a bad guy. But more or less too literal and mature. Terrorists don’t deserve cookies. And Beach Boys will always be legendary but need to think like me.

Shades out.

Ladies and gentlemen. You know you’ve won an argument when your comeback simply states the following: “Oh yeah? Well, your mom has an epic beard!!!!” That is all.

Shades out.

I am well aware  I said I would try not to bitch on here.  But  I gotta say for a pair of dudes who spend their days on the internet running fantasy sports teams. They couldn’t run a work team if they tried.

What kind of manager changes a conversation on a phone meant as an attempt to help them into me bashing my peers and making it sound like I’m lying to people? Apparently the same guys that if they ran a variety show and had Stevie Wonder and a spider on it. They’d have Stevie walking a tight rope and the spider singing.

I think I can say for all of us at said restaurant I work at that when one of us has a problem with another we talk about it. I hate being told to hurry when I’m going for what I’m worth. I mentioned it. It’s forgotten sometimes. What ev’s. But to make it sound like I’m bitching out my friends and stuff like that. Screw ‘em. They want to play it that way after i try and help them and God forbid be a better worker.Let’s just say the most technically sound badass line. When you can’t/have no intention anymore to join ‘em. BEAT ‘EM.

Shades out.

I don’t know how to tell anyone this… This is going to be weird for you and you may need time to adjust to this concept… If you don’t accept me for who I am I truly apologize……. I HAVE AN OPEN MIND AND I SUPPORT SAME SEX RIGHTS!!!!!

There, I said it. It’s not hard for me to say as a straight man. Yet this same sentence structure, concept, and all around thoughts/opinions are uttered in privacy or in 2 or 3 person convos. 

Don’t get me wrong whatsoever. I love the fact that my gay/lesbian/bi curious friends confide in me. Hell I confide in them as well. It’s a 2 way relying circle as far as I’m concerned and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

Well, I kinda lie when I say I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I definitely wouldn’t change how secure my friends make me feel and I hope I do the same for them. i would change the fact that due to a piss poor understanding of rights in a “straight world”. Here’s my opinion  conglomerated into a few points.

The way I see it is this: Wouldn’t it be a whole new ball game if being straight was the odd man out? Being called a “Breeder” or I dunno, a “69’er”? What is the term for a male, straight equivalent to a c**ksucker? Anybody know?

Why So Seri….. Erm, I meant Literal?: I grew up in a Christian home and oddly enough was once a strictly by the book guy. I understood what i was told and that was ok. But when I broke down what i thought compared to what I read. I was semi changed. I still believe in God. I believe in the concept of rules and regulations. but I also believe in self preservation, science, and logic.

Self Preservation: Imagine for a second that you are out water skiing and you have no clue how to swim. If you fall over in the middle of a lake and are wearing a life jacket. Are you going to ask what Jesus would do? Logic would say that Jesus just tripped and would get up and walk away. You sir or mam reading this would just hopefully float there wondering why you did something aquatic when you can’t swim. That you, a non swimmer water skiing is like Frosty The Snowman trying to eat fire in the circus. ‘Nuff said.

Science: I was told in Sunday school that there was no such this as dinosaurs. Unfortunately for said teachers, I got 6 words for them. History and Discovery Channel raised me. Which is why I got kicked out of said class. ‘Nuff said.

Logic: Well, what do science and self preservation have to do with logic? Both disputes are based around following or not following the teachings of the bible too closely. There is literally one line that “goes against gay rights”. It says that a man shall not use another man as a woman. Well back in bible times the woman would clean the place, look after the kids, and cook….. like a butler? Well it’s offically proven. Hulk Hogan’s going to hell for playing Mr. Nanny. I knew the movie was bad but…. evil? So what God’s saying in the bible towards Hulk Hogan is “Thou shalt not body slam and dust the TV at the same time!!!” I feel old for referencing that movie to prove a point :P

But the point has to be made. Martin Luther King once had a dream that changed the way we look at race. Me, and I know I’m certainly not the only one have a dream that not only Christians but everyone can accept people with alternative life styles as equals and as  just normal. No repressions of feelings on the subject or odd views. Just acceptance worldwide of everyone. Thanks for hearing me blog n bitch. Let’s work on this dream. And no religious bash intended but…. Have we not evolved??

Shades out.

Hey tumblr universe.  Long time no….. tumbl. Hope you’re all doing well. If any of you die and invite me to the funeral. Do me a favour or favor to my US friends and don’t change the time of said burial. This is the second funeral in a year I’m going to on thursday that’s done that. I’m going to write in my will what day and time I want to be buried. Monday at 13:23 of the week I die. I dig the numbers and nobody wants to work monday. Problem freakin’ solved. but in all due respect. RIP to a great man. Mind you guess I’m working after the funeral so mind’s already kinda out of the dump.

Hey tumblr universe. Sorry I’ve been in a bickering state lately. Life’s been meh at most and I shouldn’t take it out on you all. I’m going to try and Be more of a positive humoured guy and go about just brightening the odd day for someone. I’d like to say that I’m proud of my coworkers (Well, females.) For considering doing something about the situation they’re in at work with blind authority. Whether it be scoping TO for a spot to live or simply getting a resume out. I hope to join them in the search for a better post - dubs life. So to the Tay Tays, Fal pals, and of course my partner in crime R&B. This thought’s for you…..

I am  Shades… HEAR ME ROAR!!!! That of course is yet another rip off of the classic saying “I am woman hear me roar.” And woman have the right to do so because they are tough. Now why do I say something at random… again? Here is a great reason why women are tough.

The classic board game chess is a great example and if you’ve ever played or followed the game.
Here is how the pieces move:
Pawn - Male > Moves 2 spaces forward from starting position then one after that. Attacks diagonal only.
Bishop- Male > Moves unlimited spaces and attacks diagonally only. The 2 pieces are one for each color of square on the board.
Rook- ? > Moves unlimited spaces forward or sideways. Attacking the same ways.
King- (Do I really need to say the gender?) > Moves 1 space only and attacks in the same manor.

Why are they the gender I said they are?

Pawn- Yeah. Call a woman a pawn and tell me you aren’t sleeping on the couch tonight and for well… EVER!!!!
Bishop- Well I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a female bishop.
Rook- Who the f**ks a rook????
King- Think people.


Queen- (Female duuuuuuuuh) - Moves all the ways of all the above pieces and can kick all pieces you know what’s.
……………………… Pretty bad when it takes 5 male pieces to make 1 female isn’t it?

Stay strong chicks and go get what you deserve no matter what it is. Take care all!!!

Shades out.

Ladies and gentlemen reading the following lyrics. The following content may offend most sub - moronic authority figures such as douchebags and mouth breathers alike. Discretion is strongly supported for those with an IQ below 48. And please read this song right. Please say “Da da da da da.” after every line like real jazz blues.

I got nice shades.

Better than Wesley Snipes’ in Blade.

They’re from a store that’s got some class.

Steel frames and  real glass.

I work for bosses that have no brains.

Mouths hanging open, shirts got drool stains.

Say I make bad gravy when I followed directions.

They’re more helpless than a retard playing 20 questions.

They act like a couple bratty kids.

Foaming at the mouth, tempered babies.

They may not be old, but they are yellers.

Or just big bitches with rabies.

Even with Scooby Doo and a GPS system.

They’ll never find a clue.

Because you’re man Josh has got.

The bitchy fuckstick boss blues.

Wow… That Was Awesome

In 48 hours I experienced a new shift opening for a down coworker, me and my chick patched things up, and my sometimes bi polar boss complimented my work…… more than once.

I worked a 7 to 2:30 shift yesterday and was trusted to try something I never had before. And I actually nailed it. Even receiving compliments from coworkers and superiors alike. It was awesome to be recognized.

I was listening to music yesterday and Jaded by Aerosmith came on. One of me and my chick’s songs. I actually balled at my office desk. It was that song that made me think that a song called Jaded could be more powerful than someone can imagine. We sat (At our respective computer chairs of course) and have a long, emotional, screen to screen chat, then it turned to a 3 hour phone call. What can I say. I dig a chick that finally gets me.It took laughing, yelling, and a tear or 2 but I strongly believe we love each other again.

Tonight I was fearing the worse. A green horn supervisor, one of the bi polar brothers training him, and having to actually close by the book. Oddly enough it was a good close. A really good one. Yeah we didn’t get out of dodge till 11:15. But that was it. I had to clean the grill with cooking oil instead of water like the old days and still made it at least an 8 out of 10, it was a natural close and didn’t feel forced to get out of there, and actual confidence and compliments from a happy manager. I checked…… No planet alignment. I guess things might go my way once in a while.

Maybe sometime life might go back to normal but for now. I’m just gonna dig cloud 9 for a minute. I don’t know if it’s God or luck but either way. Thank you.

Also thank you to my friends like R&B for being there through thick and thin and everyone else who happens to have my back. Take care tumblr universe.

Shades out.

My Top 5 Non - Vulgar Insults To Higher Authorities Or…… Anyone:

5) You’re friggin’ stupid…….. Darn, 3 syllables too many ? How about “You so dumb.” Feel better? Does that compute? You got that? GOOD FOR YOU JUNIOR!!!!!

4) Your head is like a bag of flavorless potato chips. Half full of air and barely a cheap thrill.

3) I was once told it takes an IQ of 3 to breathe….. how’s that iron lung treating you?

2) That’s a lovely looking train of thought you have there. Tell me……. does it come in non - moronic?

And…….. Drum Roll!!!!!!! You’re damn right I’m gonna use this one my last day at my job. I will show up at work in a suit and tie and dark tint shades and give the following eulogy at the front of the store.

1) Ladies and gentlemen. It brings me great pain to present to you the death of the last functional brain cell of my boss due to loneliness . My many many cells showed support and dedication to encourage that lil fighter to carry on. But with a lack of moral support. It’s a goner. Thank you all, and unlike said cell….. carry on.

Shades out.

Biology lesson of the day: 99.9999994% of black sheep tend to bleat the loudest. Need proof? 5 bucks to the shepherd who can shut me up. ;)